Out with the old, in with the new

I am sure most of you know this already, but at the end of December, the company I was working for (Mazer) cl0sed its doors after 44 years in the publishing industry. I won't go into the details here, but it was a rather "abrupt and unceremonious" ending to my career there, and the careers of hundreds of other employees. Suddenly, I was thrust into a club that I had never been part of, but one that has been growing rapidly the past several months: The Unemployed.

I decided to look at my new status as an opportunity to do some things I never seemed to have time to do as a working mother. I played with my kids more. I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I organized and re-organized. I moved furniture, went through closets, and discarded old toys. Oh, and I checked out books from the library. I actually had time to read again. Amazing.

I am one of the lucky ones. After only a month of being unemployed, I have a new job. I start tomorrow. I will be doing the same thing I was doing at Mazer, developing textbooks for elementary and junior high students. I will be working with a lot of my old colleagues, pretty much picking up right where we left off. Our new building has a full-service cafeteria, a really nice fitness center, and acres and acres of green space that will be great for a quick lunchtime walk once the weather warms up.

Despite my good fortune, I feel empty. For the first time since her life began, I will be leaving my beautiful girl in day care full-time. I won't be the one spending hours in the morning playing with her. I won't be the one changing her diaper and brushing her hair. I won't be the one kissing her boo-boos, singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider," or cuddling with her while reading her favorite books. I am going to miss her more than I can even imagine. The tears are filling my eyes as I write this because, for the first time, someone else is going to be lucky enough to spend each and every day with my little girl. It just doesn't seem fair.

Don't get me wrong, I am going to miss my boys, too. But I have gotten used to leaving them in the care of others because it is what I have had to do from the time they were three or four months old. Matthew loves first grade at his school. Ryan loves Wee Haven. I have all the faith in the world in their teachers. I know that they are spending their days receiving quality education. I know that they are nurtured and loved where they are. In fact, if I had to choose two people to take my place, I would choose Ryan's teachers, Ms. Sandra and Ms. Nina. I know they love him like he is their own. I am lucky in that respect.

I just hope, hope, hope that I am making the right decision. I hope that the couple of hours I will have in the evening with my children will be enough. I hope that these feelings of guilt and uncertainty will soon begin to subside. I hope that I can find a way to be a mommy, a wife, and a valued employee. I have done it before, and I think I can do it again, but that was before I had Natalie. That was before I knew what it was like to be home with my baby every day. I just keep thinking of this quote from Maya Angelou: If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.